Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
