The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
