I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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