I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
