Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
