I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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