***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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