One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
