Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
