If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
