im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
