Non-Jews are for practice
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
