I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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