Will you blow on my dice?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
