Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
