Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
