i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
