hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
