Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
