I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
