you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
