Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
