my vag is so smooth its legendary
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
