he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
