he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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