i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
