Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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