Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
