Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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