omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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