I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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