Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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