Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
