Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
