My brain says no but my pants say off.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
