Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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