Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
