were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So here I am, sexting at work.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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