When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We have so much sex to catch up on
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
