Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
