If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
