I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
