All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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