I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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