i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Come on in and take your pants off
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