I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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