the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
