So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
