I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
false alarm, still single
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
