I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
