Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i believe in u and ur pee
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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