Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
