I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
well you can't waste a boner
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
