I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
