just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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