I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
