Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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