my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
