I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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