i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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