If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
